Say What You Need to Say

I drove away from you on that Summer day, not too long ago.
You stood in the driveway with tears in your eyes--they told me you were hurting.
I watched you as I drove away, feeling numb as though I would see you again.
Your eyes lied to me, and so did mine.

I long now to be in that place again and stay.
I think of what could have happened if I begged you not to do it.
I write you a letter.
John said its better to say too much than to never say what you need to say.
I sent it to your parents house, and then the next day call your mother to ask her to throw it away.
I need to leave you and your lying eyes alone.

My dream on Meds

I have an ear infection and am on some good night time medicine...it gave me a silly dream but I think its deeper than I thought. Maybe this blog will be my dream journal.

I had a dream last night that I saw a movie about a unicorn who falls in love with a guy unicorn only to have her heart severely broken by him. He finds another unicorn who of course the main character doesn't feel is good enough for him. She finds another unicorn that she likes but doesn't feel that he is anything like the one she loved before....but in the end of the movie...she ends up with the second one!!! I hated the movie. But, I'm pretty sure its my sub-conscience mind trying to tell me that he isn't coming back...just sucks.

Later in the dream, we are driving home from this movie, and he is sitting in the back seat next to me with the new girl he is dating. They are totally canoodling and trying to get comfortable. Every time his arm touches mine, I move so its not touching me anymore. I wish he knew how much he was hurting me, but he didn't seem to care. I decided to go to a counseling center because I still feel horrible about everything that happened between me and this guy...and I see him waiting there...and he is sitting right next to me. But he is waiting to go to an activity...games. and I am waiting to sort out the broken pieces of my heart. Seems to me my sub-conscience is also trying to tell me that he is already over it and I am holding onto nothing. When it was time for his game, he walked passed me and waved goodbye.

Hated this dream...but I think I know what it means.

Well, thats all for today.

Its the Heart afraid of Breaking that never learns to love..

Well here I am again! I know no one reads this, but I’m happy to write anyway.

I am starting finally to realize that I have a hard time with relationships because I just don’t know what to do when I get to a certain point. So that is the point where I end a relationship and start back at square 1! Oh well, when its right, perhaps I’ll know it…I hope! Well, thats all for me today.

In Memory of David W. Thomas

it is today that I write with a sad heart...about a loved one who I lost a few years ago. His name, Dave Thomas...the founder of Wendy's. I wrote a poem about him today in class. I wanted to share it......





“In Memory of David W. Thomas”

I
They day he died was filled with anguish, torment, anger,
And empty stomachs abounding.
Burgers flipped with a single tear down the cheek
Money, exchanged with mourning in our hearts
Frostys, consumed out of love,
Not chocolaty pleasure.

II
Dave Thomas,
Founder of Wendy’s
Universal Grandfather to all,
You, without natural parents (1),
Biggie-sized our hearts.
Your death left a legacy
Where frostys, chicken nuggets,
And Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers
Runneth over.

You fed the cold, the hungry, the huddled masses
With a dollar menu
And a smile on your face
Sure to blow the creepy Ronald McDonald
Out of the market.

III
Cold was your frosty
Warm was your heart
All wrapped in foil-
That was your art.

You gave of yourself
And served us for years
I’ll have a number 3 combo
With a large cup of tears

And so in the end,
We mourn your fall
All American screams,
“You biggie-sized us all!!”


(1) Dave was adopted.

My Poem

Sorry I havent written for so long. I have been hecka busy! But I was going to let you read my poem...pretty fun to write. its about a calculator...

incalculable little monster
SOHCAHTOA, Sin, Cosin, Tangent
too many buttons for a simple mind to grasp
squared shape, black-
only the beginning of the abyss
that is technology
Casio, help me understand
fraction, log, data in my hand
before I am engrossed in
the mouth of the monster
his teeth, the buttons,
his eyes the screen...
cover up the solar panel-
that is his heart
and the monster is dead.

I hate this mood....

I hate bringing other people down!!! I dont want to talk to people about this, because I feel bad bringing their good moods down by complaining to them, but I also hate writing about things like this in my journal, because I want people reading my journal in the future to be uplifted, ya know, so I dont like writing when I feel like this. I've got some issues that I just feel like they need to get out, and I'm at a loss of places to go to get them out. So here I am. No one reads this anyway, so this is a good way to get it out, and also to not bring anyone else down. Its a win-win situation.
First things first. I COULD HAVE GONE HOME THIS WEEKEND!!! I hate that feeling of wanting to go home SO bad, and not being able to, because of something stupid! I mentioned it to my mom on FRIDAY, and she told me that if I was willing to drive, I totally should have just done it. GR!
Next, There are these two girls who I was friends with last year in college, and I was going to live with them and all that jazz, but then things didnt go so well in the fall, so we all decided to not live together, and now for some reason they totally hate me and are trying to get other people to feel the way they do too! I dont know what I did wrong, but it obviously was really wrong. They also came over to my house and visited me the other night...I hate fake people so much, and they came over acting like everything was fine and dandy, which I dont get at all, so thats pretty much been eating at me since then.
Money is really starting to stress me out. Im thinking about getting a job, but then I wont have the kind of time to do the things I like to do. I guess thats pretty selfish of me, but I really dont feel like I have the energy to be working 20 hours a week as well as taking 12 credits..the least you can take, but still. I could be getting money for giving plasma, but...that brings me to my next issue...
My health. I've been having stupid health issues, and its really making me mad, especially because I could be making $40 a week selling plasma. Whatever..maybe its for the better..but I'm still going to try.
ADDISON....I miss my addison. I just wish I could be with him right now! its really hard to be so far apart..distance definately makes the heart grow fonder. Everyone asks about him, and its hard to explain whats going on between us right now, I guess the only people that really know are him and me..so yeah.
I feel like people are dumping their problems on me! Yeah, I love to listen to people, but when they just RELY on me to totally try to take care of all their problems all the time...BLAH! I hate being in the middle of the whole drama thing and trying to fix things between people!
LAST thing of my complain party- I dont really feel like I have someone here to listen to me! I miss my great friends at home who know me SO well, who would sit and talk to me until 5 in the morning if I wanted them to! They know who they are too--I MISS YOU.
On top of all this, my roommate and one of my best friend's here just hooked up, so I feel like that little trio that we had there has become a duo and a solo...
So anyways, I feel a little better now....Im gonna go lay on my bed and listen to music or study.

OH no guys! Im a fat kid!!!

So last week I tried to go give plasma, but they WOULDNT LET ME, because my blood pressure was too high! Then.....We went hottubbing last night, and when i got out my eyes kept blacking out. But I didnt want to sit down though because I didnt want to get the couch wet and I still had my swimmin suit on! My face got really white and one of the guys like, came up behind me and took me to sit down and then got me some wata, and then I talked to a nurse about it today, and she said that since my Blood pressure has been high lately, it got really low in the hottub, and then when I got out it tried to get back to normal and it was just too much. High blood pressure is bad! Im going to check it everyday for a week, and if it continues to be high, I have to start a strict diet and workout schedule. eeeeew! Anyways, thats my story for today! Thanks for reading. Join Melody's Health Log next week.